Frankie Boyle Transcription

Key
(.) Indicates a normal pause
Numbers within brackets indicate a length of pause in seconds
*indicates pausing for laughter/crowd reaction
:: indicates elongated sounds
Words in capitals indicate an increase in volume
Other contextual information is in italics in squared brackets

Frankie Boyle:
HELL::O (*2.0) [cheering]
Hello everybody, hello at the top (*3.0) [cheering]
Do you remember years ago, when they were making Braveheart? Everyone said [Frankie Boyle stresses a Scottish accent] 'aw it's ridiculous', Mel Gibson playing a Scottish guy, that's not going to be very convincing (1.0) And look at him now, an alcoholic racist (*7.0)
The most Scottish thing I've ever seen I was going through a town called 'Bathky' (1.0) at night (1.0) and there was a guy pissin against a front door (1.0) like that [Frankie Boyle mimes the action] (2.0) who then took out his keys and went inside (*6.0)
I'm from Glasgow if I had to explain Glasgow to you, I'd say that if I had to pick (1.0) a city in the world when I could depend on a member of the public (1.0) to punch a man who as on fire (*3.0)
To punch a FLAMING MAN (*1.0) TO THE GROUND (*1.0) we should get a photo of that blown up and use it at the welcome sign at Scottish airports (2*.0) and underneath it would have the words 'Scotland welcomes careful drivers' (*3.0)
I mean the naivety (1.0) of Al Qaeda, trying to bring religious war (1.0) to Glasgow (*2.0) we're four hundred years ahead of you guys (*2.0) you've not even got a football team (*4.0)
There's a fallacy isn't there that that baggage handler prevented hundreds of people from being horribly burned (1.0) these were Scottish people flying to Spain (*9.0)
People say its good they didn't hit a fuel depot I think its good they didn't hit the queue coming out of duty free (*3.0) would've gone up like Hiroshima (*6.0)
British army have got a big recruiting drive in Scotland at the minute (1.0) cause that's what you need if you're fighting an unwinnable war in the desert (1.0) more ginger people (*4.0) that's why they couldn't send Prince Harry, they couldn't afford the resources required to start developing factor sixty thousand sunblock (*4.0)
It's not always the friendliest place in the world Scotland (1.0) I once saw an English guy in Glasgow trying to order a pint of lager and lime (1.0) and the barman went [Frankie Boyle changes voice to more deep and gravelly] 'we don't do cocktails' (*5.0)
We can just be dour, negative bastards up there (1.0) John Logie Baird invented the TV (1.0) and when people came up to congratulate him he went [Frankie Boyle changes voice to be more aggressive and accented] 'Aye but there's fuck all on' (*5.0)
We looking forward to the Olympics in London? (*2.0) [negative reaction from crowd] I'll take that as a 'no' (*2.0) they say the Olympics is gonna rekindle (1.0) English national pride I mean c'mon for 9.2 billion you could've written fuck off Germany onto the moon (*7.0)
The Spice Girls are getting back together (1.0) the only way I want to see Geri Halliwell draped in a Union Jack again will be if she dies in battle (*4.0)
I tell you what I think they should do in Big Brother (1.0) you know in eviction night when someone gets sent out (1.0) the people inside instead of hearing screaming or or booing or whatever, they should hear complete silence (1.0) and then a single gunshot (*8.0)
When I was at school I could just never work out (1.0) how to get girl's bras undone (1.0) I just couldn't do it and then eventually I realised (1.0) that these girls were wearing a different ty::pe of bra from my gran (*4.0)
If you don't like that you'll hate this next one (*2.0)
The oldest woman ever to give birth gave birth this year she was sixty three (2.0) can you imagine at sixty three the baby didn't have to force its way out (*2.0) it spent the last three months bungee jumping (*4.0) every time it went for a shit it had to brace itself [Frankie Boyle mimes the action] (*3.0) like the end of the Italian Job (*5.0)
Apparently scientists have come up with a condom (1.0) for premature ejaculation (1.0) and basically its got an anaesthetic (1.0) [Frankie Boyle speaks quieter] in the lining (1.0) its makes you numb:: (1.0) and you can last for longer (1.0) [Frankie Boyle returns to previous volume] Or:: (1.0) you can wear it inside out you don't have to wake anybody up ['anybody up' spoken in a mock whisper] (*6.0) thanks cause to be honest that one can go either way (*3.0)
Apparently a quarter of men (1.0) have a problem with premature ejaculation (1.0) the rest of us just don't think its a problem (*4.0)
See science isn't all progress is it? What was wrong with train toilet doors that just locked (1.0) instead of this multiple choice system (*2.0) so now if anything goes wrong (1.0) you're gonna be sitting there (2.0) while the whole toilet wall (*2.0) slo::wly slides awa::y (*1.0) AND YOU'RE UNVEILED LIKE A FUCKING PRIZE ON A QUIZ SHOW (3.0) FOR FIVE HUNDRED POINTS A SHI::TTING WOMAN (*5.0)
Gordan Brown's got his big new idea he says he wants childre:n to stay at school 'til they're eighteen (2.0) that's just not living in the modern world is it? (1.0) seventeen year olds having to go to school who's gonna pick their kids up from primary? (*5.0) he wants to bring in ID Cards with retina scans: and forty-nine items: of information ID Cards won't stop your identity being stolen just means that once its stolen you're fucked (*1.0) I I've lost my ID Card in the hotel I'm gonna need new eyeballs and a finger transplant (*6.0) Gordon Brown has seriously said: he wants listening devices put in lampposts to fight terrorism (1.0) is that how terrorists work? (*1.0) [Frankie Boyle uses a faster voice] come over here we must: discuss our evil plans in this brightly lit area (*2.0) we'll sing them like a fucking barbershop quartet (*2.0) do you think George Bush even knows who Gordon Brown is? (*1.0) he probably thinks Tony Blairs put on weight and had a mild stroke (*3.0)
Dyou see that bishop: up north somewhere? (1.0) who said the floods were God's judgment (1.0) on homosexuals (*1.0) if that was true Brighton would be like fucking Atlantis right now (*3.0) I'm all for gay adoption (2.0) gay men make brilliant dads (1.0) they already know where all the best parks are (*2.0) they already know how to put talcum powder onto a sore bottom (*3.0) I'd've loved to have a gay dad (1.0) do you remember all that stuff at school? [Frankie Boyle puts on a more aggressive voice] Ah my dad'll batter your da::d: my dad could batter your dad LISTEN (1.0) MY DAD'LL SHAG YOUR DAD (*4.0) and your dad'll enjoy it (*4.0)
Got to that stage in Scotland now: where people recognise me: but never where from (1.0) I got followed by two guys in Glasgow who thought I was the wee bear from Bo' Selecta (*7.0) yeah you wait years for that Proclaimers thing to go away (*4.0) my favourite thing I saw this year (1.0) was an article in on of the: women's magazines: on Valentines: entitled 'how to tell what's going through...