Male and Female Differences

Tannen (1990)

You Just Don't Understand, her book, shows male vs female language in six contrasts:

Status vs. Support

For men, conversation is competitive - seek to achieve the upper hand to prevent them being dominated. For women, talking is to gain confirmation and support for their ideas. Men sees world as a place where people try to get and keep status, while women see it as a network of connections seeking support and consensus.

Independence vs. Intimacy

Tannen said:Women often think in terms of closeness and support, and struggle to preserve intimacy. Men, concerned with status, tend to focus more on independence. These traits can lead women and men to starkly different views of the same situation. Professor Tannen gives the example of a woman who would check with her husband before inviting a guest to stay - because she likes telling friends that she has to check with him. The man, meanwhile, invites a friend without asking his wife first, because to tell the friend he must check amounts to a loss of status. (Often, of course, the relationship is such that an annoyed wife will rebuke him later). 

Advice vs. Understanding

Tannen said:

“When my mother tells my father she doesn't feel well, he invariably offers to take her to the doctor. Invariably, she is disappointed with his reaction. Like many men, he is focused on what he can do, whereas she wants sympathy.”

So many men see a complaint as a solution for them to solve.

Information vs. Feelings

Anecdotal evidence from Tannen showed that the length of phone calls reflects different gender's priority when communicating:

A young man makes a brief phone call. His mother overhears it as a series of grunts. Later she asks him about it - it emerges that he has arranged to go to a specific place, where he will play football with various people and he has to take the ball. A young woman makes a phone call - it lasts half an hour or more. The mother asks about it - it emerges that she has been talking “you know” “about stuff”. The conversation has been mostly grooming-talk and comment on feelings.

Showing that while men's opinions used to be considered more important, it is no longer the case, and the giving of info and brevity of speech are considered of less value than sharing emotions or elaboration.

Orders vs. Proposals

Women often suggest in indirect ways - 'lets, why don't we?' etc, while men use and prefer to hear direct imperatives.

Conflict vs. Compromise

Tannen wrote: In trying to prevent fights, some women refuse to oppose the will of others openly. But sometimes it's far more effective for a woman to assert herself, even at the risk of conflict. 

For example a management situation, where a change would prompt men to complain vocally, while women would say nothing but complain afterwards.

Often considered generalisations - there are many exceptions to these rules.